One does not have to be a brilliant observer of human behavior, on the order of, say, the great sociologist Erving goffman in order to see that there are many fundamental respects in which Western culture has changed for the worse. I am going to offer an explanation for that change that in a very loose way that draws upon the work of both John Stuart Mill and Sigmund Freud, ending with a reference to Aristotle. I am concerned more with the general framework of each thinker rather than the components with which their theoretical artifice was constructed. I will further argue that modernity has masterfully exploited the deep, deep vulnerability that has been created.
First of all, I hold that a great many young people these days are angry. And I regard anger as a form of pain. When we are sufficiently pained, then we do not see clearly. That is, our assessment of reality often misses the mark. It is generally known that the worse time to make a decision is when one is in the throes of rage, precisely because one’s judgment is apt to be fundamentally flawed. If this is right, then it follows rather straightforwardly that perpetual rage is problematic precisely because this means that a great many of judgments are apt to be flawed.
The pain of which I speak comes from the systematic failure of so many parents these days to affirm their children, where the affirmation is not about material offerings, but involves an abiding investment of the self of each parent with regard to the psychological well-being of their children.
I hold with John Bowlby that each child has an ineliminable need for the affirmation that comes only with an abiding emotional affirmation of her or his parents.
To grow up with out that abiding emotional affirmation from parents is to grow up with an aching sense of emptiness and thus a profound sense of longing. On my view, this emptiness and longing in a child is what occasions the anger about which I am speaking.
Naturally, every child makes an attempt to fulfill that emptiness and to speak to the eternal longing. Every child makes an attempt to abate the rage within. Some, of course, are more successful at doing so than others. Some, indeed, are quite successful. Alas, a great many are not.
Now, the hallmark of modernity is that it is always offering something that is supposed to provide one with enormous satisfaction. It is just amazing how many things come with the promise of changing one’s very life for the better. If it is not a cell phone, then it is some alcoholic beverage. If it is not a digital camera, then it is an Ipod. And on it goes.
It is easy enough to think that this is just the hyperbole of advertising. I think not, though, if only because way too much money is spent cultivating the impression that the items proffered for sale dramatically change one’s life for the better—as opposed to merely satisfying a present desire. I mean what else can beer do but satisfy a present desire? To be sure, there is nothing wrong with that. However, I take it to be not to at all insignificant that millions upon millions of dollars are spent suggesting that beer does much more than quench a present thirst.
So we have children growing desperately lacking the deep emotional affirmation from their parents that once upon a time was commonplace. And we have a world that offers these children one thing after another with the promise that they will achieve genuine satisfaction. Needless to say, this is not a good mix.
Now, another factor is that where we have constant rage, then it will turn out that having sustained self-control is problematic. And wherever sustained self-control is a problem, the displaying what goes by the name commonsense will also be a problem.
As I have already indicated, everyone knows that deep rage and pain are utterly cancerous, often inclining us to weigh things in quite inappropriate ways.
One can no doubt see how Sigmund Freud has influenced my thought. John Stuart Mill has influenced my thought in the following way. Mill grasped especially the well the significance of a social climate. He understood that what makes the difference so often in life when we are weary is that we are in a morally good social climate. To take a simple example, what my occasion me to be polite when in a moment of great tension is the simple fact that I live in a culture in which politeness is routinely displayed and expected. By contrast if I am in a culture—say, this one—in which going ballistic is just what one does, then ballistic behavior is precisely what one is likely to get when things have gotten rather tense for me. Climate makes a difference because (a) it tells us what the norms and what the expectations are and because (b) most of us do not want to find ourselves too far outside of the norm. The exceptions, and there are those, prove the rule.
If I am right about parenting and children these days, then guess what: Rage has become the norm and the absence of self-control has become the norm. Or to put the point slightly more hesitatingly, both are increasingly becoming the norm. So, for instance, many high school teachers these days are often afraid of their students. I don’t like excursions down memory lane. Yet, the contrast is ever so pertinent here: Ne’er a teacher in my high school that I attended was afraid of the students.
On the one hand, the change is certainly not owing to some evolutionary difference between high school students nowadays and those back in the day. On the other, the change did not just come about. Something occasioned it. And it will not do to intone that today’s youth have less respect for their elders and authority. For the issue, obviously, is not whether today’s youth have less respect, but why that is so. I have sketched a view that provides an answer.
We did not just become more bellicose, as if a genetic mutation occurred. We are more bellicose because the conditions that have kept bellicosity in check have been slowly disappearing. And it is not just that parents have been steadfastly not providing the kind of emotional affirmation that their children need, it is also the case that parents have not been modeling the kind of behavior that turns children into good citizens.
Like language, much social behavior is learnt imperceptibly as we witness the behavior of our parents. But parents are not there to provide emotional affirmation, then certainly they are not there to model moral excellence for their children. This point, of course, comes from Aristotle’s thesis that moral excellence requires habituation. One might very well note that if the claim held true in Aristotle’s day, then it holds all the more so nowadays, given that there are far more distractions nowadays than in time’s past.
I end with an important illustration. Time was when a great many parents illustrated the virtue of self-restraint before their children. Every child saws her or his parents set aside satisfying their desires, on various occasions, in order to what was good for the family. Such behavior on the part of parents was seen as something that decent and mature parents naturally do—a routine part of parenting well. But what extraordinary lessons that were being modeled before the children time and time again. A lesson about self-control. A lesson about evaluating desires. Above all, a lesson about not giving into desires in order to do what is right.
Now, it may or may be not be true that adults should have the right to live their lives as they choose. And it may or may not be true that no adult should be required to sacrifice her or his own successes for the moral excellence of her or his children. Just so, there is no gainsaying the reality that parents cannot possibly model moral excellences before their children when they (the parents) are too busy to be present. Parenting in abstentia is but a form of non-parenting.
The difference between human beings and animals is we who are human beings can affirm our capacity for excellence. This, alas, cannot be done in absentia. Unfortunately, so many have of us have managed to convince ourselves otherwise. A consequence of this ignoble lie—perhaps this deliberate self-deception—is that we find violence and threats of violence where once before nothing of the sort existed. Something changed. This blog-entry sketches an account of the way in which that that something is us with regard to parenting. The question, then is this: Will we have the courage to admit our mistake here? This is the challenge of modernity. I would that I were confident that we will meet it.



